Did I Just Hear – GASP – a Term of Endearment??
I still don’t have a great comfort level surrounding the use of TOE (terms of endearment). Uttering them simply makes me cringe. They seem to drip with a degree of niceness that makes me squirm. Not proud of that, but hey. History. Circumstances.
It was a real moment. My son said to GrandGirl #1, “Come here sweetie.”
Oh. My. Goodness.
Ok, I was raised in a home free from terms of endearment (TOE), maybe similar to many other Gen X’ers. This sort of kinder/gentler approach was NOT the vibe when I was growing up. Kids were primarily things to be managed and tamed, but also allowed to be free range roamers.
Kids could be exasperating and parents would let you know it, on no uncertain terms. Public displays of discipline were not uncommon. Also, there were no defined time outs (just go to your room for indefinite periods of time) and no boundaries.
Somehow, I also married into an environment with a similar approach toward TOE. They were not used (I’m no longer married to that person) but there could be certain occasions where they might be tapped. That would be a TOE delivered as sarcasm. Example, “Sweetie, why don’t YOU clean up the dog poop for a change?”
With this upbringing and adult life, I still don’t have a great comfort level surrounding the use of TOE. Uttering them simply makes me cringe. They seem to drip with a degree of niceness that makes me squirm. Not proud of that, but hey. History. Circumstances.
All that being said, I LOVE when people use TOE toward me. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! A warmth instantly washes over me. In fact, you might even induce me to perform a criminal act if you just preface it with “Honey.”
My experience indicates that Black ladies are often the best at sending out the TOE. “Sugar, you can come on over here,” the check-out person might say. Ahhhhhhhhh. “Darling, let me help you with that.” My heart skips a beat. “Baby doll, you are looking fine today!” My blood pressures re-regulates.
I clearly respond. But it seems that I’ve been unable/unwilling to deliver them on my own. I’m well into my 50s now too. Old dog, no new tricks?
Of course, all of this means my sons were not raised with TOE and I feel very confident that I did not harm them with that omission. Yes, it would have been pleasant if I could have mastered the practice but…ya know, it never happened. And there were plenty of other expressions of love, approval and affection.
And here we are, my son is opening the door to this form of expression. What a fabulous idea!! Just brilliant!!!
I’m not sure how natural it initially felt to him and I’m not going to ask. I’m not even sure how often he uses them. But he lives in a home where my daughter-in-law uses those words freely, so the climate is just right.
I find it especially encouraging that the GrandGirls will be raised in a house with this kind of speech, and it will be completely normalized.
Will I be able to ever bring myself to use a TOE now and then?? Maybe I will start will the GrandGirls and see how that feels and where it takes me. I accept the challenge but make no promises.
