Have You Heard About the New Approach to Discipline?

You knew it was coming. There was no way the Gentle Parenting approach could last much longer. In my opinion, it did not produce desired results. I felt it led to “the inmates running the asylum.”

Greetings now to “Fuck Around and Find Out” (FAFO), the new(ish) disciplinary method. Ah, my Germanic sensibility is tickled, even delighted. More on that later. But first, the parameters of FAFO.

It’s been described as ditching the softer stance that shaped Gen Z and adopting a harder line or, quite simply and semi-facetiously, seeking to “out-feral the feral young ones.” FAFO also goes by tough love or authoritative parenting.

The essence: It elevates consequences. Instead of raising kids with bumpers in the bowling alley of life, it lets their ball land in the gutters if that’s where they send it. Rather than spending so much time preventing kids’ pain - of all varieties - better to devote time to dealing with the pain.

According to the Wall Street Journal which recently reported on this topic: “It’s based on the idea that parents can ask and warn, but if a child breaks the rules, mom and dad aren’t standing in the way of the repercussions. Won’t bring your raincoat? Walk home in the downpour.”

It continues: “Critics of gentle parenting cite surveys that show young adults struggling with workplace relationships (was it because their parents never told them ‘no’?) and suffering from depression and anxiety (was it because their parents managed all their problems?).”

Some parents feel that a stricter approach is necessary for a child’s survival in a harsh world. They also welcome an end to the era of the participation trophy. Additionally, they subscribe to the notion that some of the best lessons in life are the hard ones.

What does Becky Kennedy, the psychologist known as “Dr. Becky” and author of the popular parenting book, “Good Inside,” say? She sees aspects of FAFO working. Her response, however, to the notion that mindful adulting has robbed parents of their freedom and left them tiptoeing around their children’s feelings: she argues that a gentler style shouldn’t have that impact and it has been distorted by a culture that can thrive on extremes.

Still, she stands firm: “There’s just a very old idea that somehow feelings get kind of equated with raising snowflakes, like feelings are weak. People feel weird about creating a generation of soft kids and my opinion is, would that be so bad?”

From my vantage point, the German culture of my heritage brings some merit-worthy understanding to this situation. Discipline is thought of as internalized responsibility rather than external enforcement. Some Germans view discipline as self-regulation which creates personal freedom and social harmony. The concept of Ordnung (order) sits at the heart of this understanding, representing organized systems that make life predictable and efficient.

This discipline manifests in everyday behaviors like arriving on time, following established procedures and planning ahead. As such, at my very core, I hate to ever be late!!

In conclusion, I think I ultimately found some brilliance, if I may say so, sourced from my son who is 20 months into his parenting journey.

“FAFO and gentle parenting both seem to be extremes,” he says. “We believe our job is to help facilitate growth over time into well-rounded young adults. There will be gentle moments and tough moments - I don’t think one size fits all.”

Achtung, baby!!