How Can A Growing Fetus Be Triggering and Traumatic?

Child #2 was my responsibility and that demanded a lot. A lot of time, energy, stress, sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, resilience, sympathy, empathy and commitment. After all that investment, on every level and of every kind, it suddenly ended.

It’s a very good thing that it takes around nine months for a baby to emerge. It’s an enormous adjustment for everyone. It introduces a reordering of roles and a new structure to family dynamics. Nice.

However, after the initial zing of the news circulated through me, I discovered that something else was stirring inside. I was drawn back to the last time I had a baby which produced my second son. It was a successful pregnancy, delivery and early childhood, and it felt less stressful and exhausting than when I became a first-time mom which produced my other son, now my soon-to-be-dad. Fortunately, #2 was sweet and playful and eager to keep up with his big brother.

But it all ended 23 years later. Suicide. It happened after years of dealing with depression, anxiety, possibly bipolar II, and a case of keratoconus, a degenerative disease of the cornea which distorts vision and can be surgically addressed, but only to stop the damage from progressing. The condition requires daily use of large and uncomfortable contact lenses. The diagnosis of this last illness marked the beginning of the end for my son.

After five years of college enrollment, #2 never earned his degree in finance and came home to deal with his eye treatment and, essentially, himself. He lived with me while he also occasionally saw his father with whom I am divorced.

Not long after #2 died, I was struck and rattled by a realization that returned me to that nine-month figure. It takes that long to bring a child into the world, and that’s exactly how long it took until #2 exited the world, starting with the time he came back to me after leaving college.

With the prospect of a new baby swirling in my thoughts, I couldn’t help but recall the days when #2 was little and discovering the world. The pictures in the baby books clearly reflect happiness and a full life. Plenty of good times. And now those memories hurt.

The pain lay in the contrast between how things started and how they ended. There was so much promise, so much hope for a rewarding future. I did all I could to nurture it too. He was smart, sensitive and highly aware of current events. He loved following local sports teams. He would self-educate on any topic of interest. He immersed himself in hip hop music and live action video games for escapism.

#2 was my responsibility and that demanded a lot. A lot of time, energy, stress, sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, resilience, sympathy, empathy and commitment. After all that investment, on every level and of every kind, it suddenly ended.

So the prospect of the baby took me back to places and feelings for which I needed time to sort through. Like, a lot of time. Daily shuffling of the mental images. Dropping in on the memories, the tender times, the laughter, the joy. Like when we bought a Golden Retriever puppy, largely for the kids to enjoy. Later, #2 fell in love with a dachshund, so we added him to the family and #2 bonded so tightly with him.

While my memories often focused on the later days when everything was falling apart, those first 10 years offered plenty with which I could immerse myself. And that’s where the prospect of a new baby took me. And that was very challenging.

After about six months of heavy contemplation, I worked through it all and recovered from feeling very triggered or maybe traumatized by the thought clouds and mental hurricanes. It also seriously helped that a girl was on the way with a different vibe and a completely different set of wardrobe and toy needs.

As part of my heeling, I searched online for some girl clothes and that helped me transition to feeling really happy about the new life on its way. It was not going to be a revisiting of the past. It was going to open up a future involving different and unique possibilities. After putting in the work, I was ready to receive it all.