What Does Attachment Look Like?

When a person watches you leave the room, then instantly bursts into tears, then suddenly stops shedding them the moment you return after about 45 seconds, that’s a real moment of connection. Especially when you and the other person have never had a real conversation. Particularly when the crying-then-not-crying entity is only eight months old.

As her Nana, I’m hardly the only role player in her life, aside from her very present and doting parents. I’m part of a cast of characters, among them great grandparents, other grandparents, aunts, uncles and second cousins. We all get to spend time with this little girl, the one who, upon her birth, gave us all new titles and social opportunities.

But that moment between us, with all its authenticity and intensity…when I left the room and heard her outburst, my first thought was…Could it be? Is she crying over my sudden absence? I know she doesn’t do this often and she also doesn’t have any separation issues. She is quite settled and composed most of the time.

As I washed my hands – the reason I left and returned so soon – I had a very strange feeling. I figured I’d understand the drama as soon as I walked back into her bedroom. And there she was on the floor, surveilling the entrance from behind the tears, and then there I was, now with clean hands, all for her benefit. Her smile instantly returned.

We slipped into some play time involving a book that she put right in her mouth, while I sat on the floor with her on my leg. I searched for another book that might not incite attempts at consumption. Something more visually entertaining, maybe even tactile and interactive.

As I sat there watching her touch another book, my mind wandered and I began to wonder, is she actually attached to me? Is that even possible at this stage? Am I appealing on some basic level? And what does this moment reveal about her in terms of what she’s capable of feeling?

By extension, I often find myself trying to figure out who she is and who she will be. I consider what this incident could indicate. At the very least, I think it bodes well for our relationship. It’s a data point that in my mind reflects some attachment. And that’s a precious gift.

One thing I’m not doing, however, is feeling bad about the crying. But…I also wouldn’t brag about it. Only because it doesn’t feel great when someone gets upset and I am the central cause. Though I’m also what made her stop. So there’s definitely that upside to the downside.

Honestly, what I need is for her to talk. We’re very verbal people in this family and I know there are many thoughts swirling in her little brain. I’d really like some access to them. In the absence of words though, there are actions. And hers seems to speak volumes.

This is definitely brand-new emotional territory for me. Of course, she already has my love and attachment, but it’s starting to feel like maybe it could be a two-way street.

What I’m discovering is that one of the differences between parenting and grandparenting is that I expected devotion and dependance as a parent, but I certainly don’t feel entitled to it as a grandparent. This actually feels earned. And what a fantastic return on my investment in her!