When Is It Ok to Dismiss a Rule?

On a warm sunny afternoon in Miami Beach, when the skies were a perfectly light denim shade of blue and the air was warm but not hot, my boyfriend and I sat at an outdoor table for lunch with my son and daughter-in-law.

It was a blissful day in 2023, during the beginning of the third trimester of their pregnancy. This trip was what they deemed a “babymoon.” The calm before the, ya know, disruption to their entire lifestyle.

Another family sat at a nearby table where their young child was mesmerized by the video she was watching on an iPad. A palpable peace pervaded the air over there.

My daughter-in-law took note and offered a scornful evaluation.

“We are not going to be allowing our daughter to watch anything at the table.”

This sentence was punctuated with certainty and resolve. The parenting bar was being set high.

I nodded my head. But I didn’t say a word. I understood that she wasn’t seeking my thoughts or opinions. For a change, I kept my mouth shut.

This episode marked the beginning of the behavior whereby I simply listened and learned where their heads were on different topics. New parents do have lots of ideas. And some of them tend to be utterly utopian.

But I also understood where she was coming from. She wants her daughter to be engaged with the conversation and not withdrawn into an alternate reality. She doesn’t want an electronic babysitter.

I get it. It’s a noble inclination. Then there’s the harsh reality of the moment.

New occasion: Thanksgiving dinner, 2025.

New scene: A table with 14 people seated in our dining room. Now my daughter-in-law is managing two very little girls who have lots of their own thoughts and emotions, and sometimes the drama runs high.

My son and daughter-in-law would like to enjoy the holiday meal while simultaneously managing their children. That’s a bit challenging. A real crossroads.

GrandGirl #1 decides that dropping some food on the floor would sufficiently demonstrate that she’s no longer interested in eating anything more. Point taken. Meal is over.

Except that no one really wants to leave the table to entertain her.

Enter a cell phone playing a kid’s program!

My daughter-in-law propped it up against a cup and set it in front of GrandGirl #1.

Peace was instantly restored!

I was overjoyed! Just thrilled!! Ecstatic, to be honest!

But I kept a lid on it. However, without any prompting, my daughter-in-law said she vividly remembered what transpired back at that Miami Beach lunch, then she just chuckled.

Time and toil will mix and produce some new alchemy and a new understanding.

I’m no stranger to tech-as-behavior-change-agent myself. I can recall when my sons were young and I was daunted by the prospect of needing to take a 4-hour road trip to visit an out-of-town relative. My solution to the likely drama that would ensue in the backseat was to buy the latest piece of entertainment technology: the Gameboy Color! One for each son!

Result: no conflicts in the backseat. It was navigational nirvana!

Ultimately, I think we all are the parents we need to be, not always the parents we thought we’d be. And that’s eminently ok!