In The Fantasy Future, What Good Advice Will I Give?

I challenge her potential self-talk that’s wrestling with the unfairness of it all. While she frets about friends, I want to help her transcend the here and now.

Sometimes I find myself imagining the teenage version of my 10-month-old granddaughter. The scene goes something like this: she’s upset because some girls are being mean to her, as is typical for girls that age. She’s very hurt and doesn’t know what to do.

Oh, I remember those days. The cliques and the who’s in/who’s out. Someone is your friend one day and then suddenly, they turn against you. Any one of those teenage girls can make you feel worthless, with very little effort.

Ah, this is rich territory. This is real deal stuff. This is raw agony that cuts like a knife. But THIS is also where a girl could use her Nana!

So I start to wonder…what would I tell her? I have decades of experience to draw on - so many friendships, so many situations, so many problems that needed to get resolved. No safe spaces back then. Surely, I can spew some good advice.

I imagine my granddaughter as a smart, sweet and sensitive girl. She works hard in school, and she cares about her friends. She likes to have fun, and she is quick to giggle and sometimes act goofy. She is very innocent and trusting. She’s not a show-off but she’s very capable. She’s not spoiled, and she appreciates what she has.

But like anyone her age, she’s also fragile.

I think I know what I’d want to impart.

Scene: I imagine us driving in my car - a sporty bright blue coupe, black leather seats and some popular music playing…something we both find appealing, maybe the latest Chappelle Roan/Taylor Swift/Sarah Carpenter/Olivia Rodrigo-type singer. It’s a nice day and I’m picking her up from school. We’re in no hurry to go anywhere, so we drive.

I start to share how I have witnessed the way life took care of many of the mean girls, how the world beyond school was rarely as impressed with them as they were with themselves, how character and integrity matters, but so does grit, resolve and self-confidence.

Next, I challenge her potential self-talk that’s wrestling with the unfairness of it all. While she frets about friends, I want to help her transcend the here and now.

It took me decades to figure these things out, but two thoughts come to mind. One is how important it is to stay in your own emotional reality. Other people’s thoughts and opinions will yank you all over the emotional landscape. This person thinks x-y-z about me. That person believes something else about me. But none of it is true. I’m a solid, capable, fine person. And that’s the emotional reality she needs to stay in. She needs to raise some mental boundaries. Of course, that can be some heavy lifting.

But no one else gets to decide who she is. Only she does. She may, however, be misunderstood. Or others may be jealous of her. Or maybe their issues with her relate more to issues in their own lives. All of these things are beyond her control.

So she needs to stay in her lane and let the drama play out beyond her cognitive playing field. She needs to look the other way, while also staying the course. Then she needs to wait.

It can be very uncomfortable, and that’s how it goes. I want her to focus on her abilities and accomplishments. I don’t want her to give anyone else the power to pull her down. Ideally, others will bend to her will and she will maintain her dignity.

But resolving conflicts does require a give and take, a negotiation, of sorts. So sometimes taking the first step can feel risky but also empowering. And if that fails, there is a lesson, and maybe it’s that certain people are not worth her time and energy, and she does herself a favor by moving on and leaving them behind.

And then we get ice cream. And we take tastes of each other’s cones. Then she smiles at me and melts my heart.