WHAT DO YOU NOTICE WHEN YOU PAY ATTENTION TO FAMILY DYNAMICS?

I find it very interesting to look at family life from the outside in. I believe that, unwittingly, families operate according to their own instruction manual. What’s acceptable in one family might not be permitted in another. Some are healthy and others are not.

My son’s family is my current case study and I’m learning a lot.

I come from a family of 4 with 2 parents who remained married and a brother who is almost exactly a year older than me. Then I started my own family of 4, with 2 sons about 2 years apart and a marriage that ended after 24 years. Each family situation had its own dynamics, pressures and responses.

Now I come with fresh eyes to the ways in which my son’s family functions, in its very nascent form, with girls that are only 19 months old and 8 months old (11 months apart).

It’s a very challenging, exhausting, demanding household, often with tedious and time-consuming elements that stretch the days into marathon sessions. It’s not easy and it’s not always fulfilling.

But I also see that the parents are a strong unit. They are united in their understanding that their circumstances are challenging for each of them in very different ways. As a result, they each have divergent needs, but they are finding ways to balance the disruptions. They give each other breaks. They know that they both trying very hard.

I think they understand that having the children so close in age presents issues that other parents don’t face. They know their circumstances require extra amounts of their time and energy, and they need to work hard at not buckling under the weight of it all.

What I see in sharp relief is how the parental chemistry involved is allowing their children to develop with minimal stress and lots of attention and positive guidance. No harshness, no drama, rather, lots of carefully chosen approaches, with a sense of safety surrounding everything.

The consequences and outcomes are considerable. I see GrandGirl #1 becoming a very independent and creative thinker for many reasons. She is treated not like a baby but like a little person capable of handling age-appropriate tasks. She is kept on a schedule and her day has balance in it, and that includes attention from both parents.

My daughter-in-law subscribes to the gentle parenting concepts which involve boundaries but not cages. She works very hard to keep GrandGirl #1 off screens and playing with books and toys. She takes her to classes several times a week and has regular playdates with a neighbor whose son is nearly the same age.

The TV time comes in measured amounts and is meant to be educational which is how I became introduced to Ms. Rachel, the wildly popular kids’ program personality who sings all of her lessons. She’s supported by Broadway actors/singers, including her husband who performed on those stages too.

Underlying everything is a sense of purpose and very calm energy.

They both consider consequences carefully, aided by researching everything. But they throw their hands up when that’s the only thing left to do. They also realize that they’re merely in survival mode plenty of the time.

From what I observe, they have crossed over to being truly mature adults whose happiness and fulfillment is often secondary to the needs of their girls. And now they take delight in things they would have easily dismissed a few years ago like listening to songs played on a Toniebox. (What is that?? you ask. Think of a speaker that plays songs when you set a little plastic character on top of it. Endlessly entertaining.)

They are being patient when they’d probably like to quit. They are sacrificing their own material interests now to keep their budget balanced. They are sleeping a fraction of the amount they did before they started a family, and yet they keep going, since there’s no other choice.

From what I can see, all of their efforts are producing a happy family. I think they are realizing their owns strength to withstand the challenges. I also believe they see both daughters transforming daily due to a balanced and reasonable home life.

It’s not easy. What seems to come naturally though is the way they lean on each other to make this family work. They are determined to get a lot of things right.

Ultimately, family chemistry is composed of the ingredients people choose to add.

From what I can conclude, maybe intention is what matters the most.