What Grandparenting Emotion Struck First? Uncertainty

The trip would mark the beginning of an untethering of sorts. A real acceptance of the elasticity that’s required of a parent. And isn’t parenting a continual process of letting go? One thing after another. Maybe it starts when they stop holding your hand. And maybe another real marker is when they have their own baby’s hand to hold on to.

The news came one momentous day that my son and daughter-in-law were going to become parents. Therefore, I was going to become a grandma. Yay?

Well, the thing is, the family had been dealing with some serious drama over a few years leading up the this news and things had finally settled down. Phew! Could we stay just on this path for a little longer? It took a long time to get here and I was feeling very good about all of us just the way we were. What would things look like with the arrival of another person, causing a huge shift in our allocation of time, energy, need and attention?

I wasn’t worried, I was just uncertain. The news wasn’t a total surprise since I knew a child was in their plans. I just thought they might wait a little longer. But here was the announcement! Game on! Let the countdown begin!

My initial and most intrusive thought, however, involved how I imagined it would change my relationship with my son. We had a comfortable connection with occasional spontaneous phone calls (always a thrill! he wants to TALK…to ME! I still MATTER!) and dinners (I still get to feed him, even if it’s only buying a meal at a Mexican restaurant, one of his favorite establishments) and car rides when he needed a lift to the shop for a repair (more uninterrupted time!).

I began anticipating that these points of contact would simply fade away with the time and energy crunch he would be facing. I was feeling like I needed to mourn that coming loss.

But I also fully understood that this is how it goes. I just needed a little time, like these nine months, to adjust to and embrace what was coming. And what I REALLY wanted during this nine-month stretch was to spend as much time as I could with him while he was still my son and not a parent too.
I felt like I already transitioned well to him becoming a husband. That seemed very natural and gradual. I also enjoy a very warm relationship with daughter-in-law, and I observe the great chemistry and dynamic that they share. I’m definitely not possessive either.
This grandparenting arrangement though…this was feeling different.
So I decided that we should all take a trip together. For me, it represented my last grasp at our mother-son relationship, before he acquires a new title. This was it. The trip would mark the beginning of an untethering of sorts. A real acceptance of the elasticity that’s required of a parent. And isn’t parenting a continual process of letting go? One thing after another. Maybe it starts when they stop holding your hand. And maybe another real marker is when they have their own baby’s hand to hold on to.

A trip to South Beach in December is where we began to close one big chapter in our lives and start up another one. From their perspective, this trip symbolized an end to the free and independent lives they had known.

They called it their “babymoon,” something I had never heard of but I could easily understand. What a great idea!! They enjoyed mostly full nights of sleep (except for the third trimester disruptive pregnancy discomfort). Plus, they seized time on the beach and hung out poolside, just relaxing. And the best part from my perspective - daily lunches and dinners with me and my boyfriend!

It was absolutely ideal for all of us. It also delivered on exactly what I needed – some quality and quantity time with my son and daughter-in -law. It was fun and we created the kind of memories – and pictures - I was hoping for.

I never shared any details with either my son or daughter-in-law about the transition I felt I was undergoing. I didn’t want to burden them. That would have broken the spell, the one where we were still playing our parts, just as we had since his birth.

Ultimately, the trip helped put me in a good head space and I felt better prepared for the changes ahead. At least, I felt like I could better wrap my head around my semi demotion from being mom while my son gets his promotion to being dad. I realize that one does not entirely come at the expense of the other, but it is undeniably a game changer.